Arrrrr! That’s yer five r arr, me mateys, meaning it’s none other that yer favorite pirate turkey, meself Planksy, comin’ t’ Oklahoma, spreadin’ me special thanks and planks this holiday season. Ahoy, buccaneers, imagine me ship, fowl-filled, and sail-trimmed, the Jolly Roger flying high, as it sails the Sooner state, a little quaky these days me might add, but nothin’ me and me crew can’t handle so farrr.
Aye, don’t be land lubbers and listen up: This bird arrrrrives to dole me thanks and planks. If yer done good, then yer get yer thanks, a cup or eighteen from Planksy’s special rum barrel and hornpipe dancin’ aboard ship until the wee hours of the wee mornin’ this Thanksgiving. If yer done bad, and if yer a scallywag, bilge rat or lubber, well, my, my, my, yer get yer PLANKS, and a little dip with the toothy fishes swimming circles once yer do yer walkin’. Shiver me gobbler, it’s show time. Arr!
Thanks. Ahoy, lads and lasses, me first thanks go out to all yer teachers in the state, a crew of hardy buccaneers, teaching the wee ones spellin’ (me speshality) and readin’ and rithmetickin’, and all while the politicos stick their noses in yer business. Teachers here arrr underpaid and overworked, indeed, but they don’t do it for the treasure, me lads and lasses. It’s a callin’. Arrr. I tip me beak t’ yer, and I ruffle me feathers t’ yer. Come onboard for yer merry times. I’ll scoop yer rum myself.
Planks. Arr! Alas, me mateys, my first planks go to schools Superintendent Janet Barresi. She’s got her A through F scheme to rank schools, but it stinks like a dead bilge rat. It’s all about the FFFFFFFF! Is she or is she not a land lubber? Can a pirate turkey squawk? Squawk! Squawk! Arr! Arr! Barresi wants to fail schools using a system made of smelly ship barnacles, and she’s doing it with ramming speed and no one can do nothin’ about it because Janet and her crew arrr goin’ to have their way. Her point is to spread yer misery in the name of the conservative agenda, but there’s a little election lurkin’, me mateys, just a little tiny wee one.
Thanks. Ahoy, thanks galore to all me state workers, goin’ without raises all these years, doin’ their best in these tryin’ times. I unfurl me Jolly Roger in yer honor. Yer arr the glue that holds that state ship together if I do say so meself and I do. Arrr! Watch out what those politicos want to do with yer pensions. Come on board. Let’s get loaded to the gunwales. Dance a pirate’s jig with yer favorite bird. It will be like Fiddler’s Green.
Planks. Earthquakes?!!! What kind of scurvy shakin’ is going on, mateys? What’s next? The plague? In this bird’s mind, all yer tremblors, big and small, get me planks, or worse, the keelhaul. Earthquakes are NOT for the birds. How’s me ship to sail smoothly when everything is shakin’ and quakin’. Methinks those frackers got something to do with it, lads and lasses, and then add in yer climate change for yer good measure, and feathers go flying and gobblers go a shivering and there’s no place to come about in this place.
Thanks. He’s the bird with the word, with a gobbler adored and acclaimed by all. He’s the feathery swashbuckler with the handsome beak, a famous fowl with the hospitality aboard ship. Me final thanks go to meself, Planksy, for rising above the flock. Here’s wishin’ yer lads and lasses a happy Planksgiving. Enjoy that tofurkey. Arrrrr!
Arrrrrrr! Shiver me gobbler. Happy Fourth of July. It’s none other than yer favorite pirate turkey of lore and yore, Planksy, the indomitable, gobbler-swaying bird of wiles, wit and beauty. Aye, I be shipwrecked here on the shore of the Oklahoma River after a nasty Poseidon trick or two, lads and lasses, but me bearings have been located, a new pirate vessel is under construction, and I’m ready and willing to dole out this year’s sparklers and sharklers. Arrr! Those who get the sparklers, well, join me in some rum drinking and hornpipe dancing on shore this year. (Bricktown. Take I-40 and try to find an exit down here. I think the scurvy rascals put it in Yukon.) Those who get the sharklers, well, aye, it’s time to take a little swim with me hungry fishies.
Sharklers: Aye, me first sharklers of the year go to Gov. Mary Fallin, a land lubber, pirate wannabe, a lily-livered leader with scurvy policies and positions. So she denies poor people here health insurance, it’s true, she won’t require storm shelters in schools to protect the young lads and lasses, aye it’s true, and she doesn’t believe in equality for our LGBT friends. Avast, me fellow pirates, she wants the state’s treasure delivered to the richest rascals aboard a ship of fools. They say she’s literally got no heart, but them fishies don’t care. Take a swim, Mary, take a swim. Arrr!
Sparklers: Me very first sparklers go to Oklahomans For Excellence In Science Education for all the fine work opposing religious intrusion. Some polys and land lubbers want to attack evolution and other scientific theories in schools as if Planksy himself isn’t a Darwinian testament to evolved creatures everywhere, but, nay, OESE calls out the scurvy bilge rats for what they are and what they want. Arrr! OESE, here’s to you, cups of rum for all, the Jolly Roger flies high in yer honor, let the hornpipes play and the dancin’ begin. Shiver me gobbler, me fellow pirates, victory feels good. Aye, just be ready next year when the land lubbers play their swarmy hand again.
Sharklers: Arrr! Aye, next up for some toothie fishes is none other than Attorney General Scott Pruitt, who’s been in a tizzy wizzy suing the federal government and wasting yer taxpayer money on scurvy ideology. Aye, Pruitt must dream about Obamacare each night he’s so fixated. His barnacle-encrusted political views dictate his slimy, inglorious legal shenanigans. His legal fight against the federal Affordable Care Act is an obsessive act of land lubbery and swarmy fallaciousness and a curse to all true pirates. For ye, Mr. Pruitt, a swim with the toothsome circulars, if ye get me drift. Be quick about it, sir.
Sparklers: Aye, he’s known in all the lands and seas of the earth, and his gobbler makes him a heartthrob to fowl and human alike. He’s keen on logic, and he’s a seasoned seabird on a journey for treasure, riches and the common good. He’ll even give his rewards, good or bad, when he’s shipwrecked and temporarily at port. Aye, sparklers to meself, Planksy, who wishes you and yours a happy and safe Fourth of July. Arrr!
Ahoy, mateys. Arrr! It’s none other than yer grand bird of yore, the bird with yer word, Plansky the pirate turkey, fillin’ in for DocHoc this tofurkey day of cheer and thankfulness. I be sailin’ in the Sooner state via the grand rivers of Washington state and Colorado, and I be making “smokin’” grand time if yer get me drift, loaded to the gunwales, lads and lasses. Arr, buccaneers, now on the Oklahoma River, me crew 300 fowl strong, shiver me timbers, I bring ye me annual planks and thanks. If yer a scurvy, lily-livered scallywag, then ye get to do yer walk on me wooden planks. If yer a pirate with the pirate stuff, ye get me thanks, a cup of me finest rum and some hornpipe dancing on board with the loveliest bird around, me, Planksy, with me gobbler swashbucklin’ gingerly in the brisk Oklahoma wind.
Planks. Name me a scurvy landlubber that denies health insurance to poor people, and I’ll give ye a lass without a heartie, mateys. Arr! Me first planks go to Gov. Mary Fallin for tellin’ Oklahoma’s poor to take a black spot—Davey Jone’s locker if ye catch me drift—and don’t bother to keep in touch. By denyin’ the federal Medicaid expansion, governor, ye flew yer true Jolly Roger. Go feed the toothy fishies, Mary, and take a second look at what ye done for pirate’ssake.
Thanks. Yo-ho-ho. Oklahoma’s got its true swashbucklin’ pirates, fightin’ fer truth and justice, a squadron of the rational, buccaneers of logic. Arr! They, me mateys, even believe in countin’ for pirate’ssake! So thanks go to the Oklahoma Policy Institute for holdin’ the Oklahoma Legislature and government accountable and, aye, sayin’ what fer to pirates and scallywags alike. Here’s me rum, mateys, held on high by the grandest pirate turkey wing ever to grace the universe, and me beautiful beak proclaims, with accompanyin’ hornpipe and fiddle music: A toast, me swashbucklers, nay no no, a grandest wish, fer another good year.
Planks. Arr! It shivers me timbers to no end to see so many of me Okies mark their ballots fer scurvy scallywags who don’t care a doubloon fer gentlemen of fortune like themselves. Mitt Romney, yo-ho-ho, why the scallywag insulted half me fellow Okies in his campaign. The bilge rat thinks yer scurvy if you don’t got the do-re-mi. So me planks this season go to Mitt supporters here in Oklahoma. Arr!
Thanks. Aye, in the opposin’ looksee, me thanks go to me Okies, more than 400,000 strong swashbucklers, a good-lookin’, intelligent crew fer sure, who went fer yer one and only Barack Obama, a treasure above the sea. Pirates galore, ye are not alone on the red-dirt prairie, and me ship sails with ye and fer ye as sturdy as she can be and as long she lasts. Efstoons, prepare the cannons, draw yer swords and wave the Jolly Roger. Arrr! The progressive fight goes on here. A cup of me rum from the special barrel to ye, a little dancin’ to me hornpipes and then let’s get with the pirating and general mayhem before we go to Fiddler’s Green.
Thanks. Arrr! From his shapely legs to his stunnin’ wings, from his piercin’ intelligent eyes to his gobbler a sway, there’s no other bird quite like him in the universe. Aye, me lads and lasses, me final thanks go to meself, Planksy, during this time of thanks. I thanks thee, Planksy, aye, I thanks thee. Arr! I wish all me hearties a happy Thanksgiving, with all the trimmin’s and good cheer on board yer ships. Get yer pirate on, buccaneers, but be safe. I definitely recommend the tofurkey.