Arrrrrrr! A seven-letter “r” from none other than yer Planksy, Oklahoma’s ONLY pirate turkey, with a gobbler rich in herstory and panache if I don’t say so meself. I got me hornpipes ready to play and me barrels of rum on deck of me ship, sailing up from the Gulf Coast in me beauty, 300 birds at the feathery ready, piercing beaks of different hues and shapes galore, no bilge rats aboard this glorious vessel, me lads and lasses. So yer lubbers know the tune. Yer heard it before. Arr! If yer done yer duty by Planksy’s pirate turkey code, outlined in Section 7, Title 3, paragraphs 8 through 21, yer get yerself some special THANKS and a partay aboard a vessel some call the finest on the sea ever sailed by birds with gorgeous gobblers and great minds and elegant demeanors in the latest continental style. Yer done yerself sorry, well, that’s a bleak tune no bird wants to hear, so it’s PLANKS for you smarmy rascals and a swim with the toothy fishes. Me hears they’s hungry this time of year what with the rising sea levels and temperatures and meltin’ arctic ice cap.
THANKS Ahoy, I spotted me first thanks that go to none other than any Democratic pirate turkey who ran for a statewide or federal office this year. Yer knew yer were going down to the fathomy depths of a cold, cold sea, but yer fought to the end, aye. There was Johnson, McAffrey, Dorman, Silverstein, to name a few. What’s an election without candidates? What’s a political party without candidates? Aye, welcome aboard. Yer done yerself well. I got me a special barrel ready to make yer acquaintance. My gobbler stands ready for yer eyeball gazes. From me beak will be emitted great sounds of recognizable beauty and thanks to yer one and all.
PLANKS Arrr! Aye, me first planks of the season go to the rapscallion frackers turning this place into a shaky, polluted smarmy mush of yer get me drift, mister oil barons. See that little ol’ place there? Frack it! See that pretty green grass over there. Oh, yes, I do. Frack it! Frackity frackin’ frack. We’re swimming in the oil and gas, but frackers got to frack, aye. Me vessel shakes to the nines because of the quakes it causes. What about the groundwater, lads and lasses? A bird’s got to drink more than rum and grog, right? (Debatable, me bird lovers, but yer get me drift.) Planks to yer, frackers. Yer can try to buy off the toothy fishes with yer fracking cashola, but me hears they only accept certain kinds of pegments.
THANKS Aye, it’s time for more thanks, which go to all the state’s teachers. Low pay, long hours, huge class sizes, high-stakes testing and a bunch of rascally swarmy “reformers” blaming yer for this and that and bilge rats, too! How do you stand it? Arrr! Yer heroes. Don’t let the lubbers get yer gobblers down. Teachers of Oklahoma, I hereby decree by the authority invested in me by meself and me pirate turkey code, come aboard this vessel now and take yer due! Dance to the pipes! Step it up! Make lively!
PLANKS Where to begin with this smarmy bit of rancid bird seed I now regurgitate as is my pirate turkey natural way? Me planks go the worst newspaper editorial page in the known universe, appearing in none other than The Oklahoman. It’s a one-sided carnivorous bloated self-important sophomoric sheet of tomfoolery and blustery conservative propaganda not fit to print. Aye, me hears it’s true that birds actually get PAID to write for it. Arrr, lads and lasses, the young ones don’t even read it so there’s hope, but, ahoy, me mateys, what these rascals publish are still illogical stinkers, and they even don’t allow other birds to weigh in with different views. So it’s the planks for the entire editorial board staff. Aye, they already got their blindfolds on so at least we don’t have to worry about that.
THANKS He’s daring and brave. His fashion sense, what with the spectacular gobbler swaying in the breeze, the colorful feathers that match the autumn trees and custom made pirate eye patch, set him apart from the lubbers in ways human and turkey words can’t really express. Arrr! Aye, he says it when no one else will. He’s a commander of the sea of life, which rolls on. So me final thanks go to none other than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey. Have yerself a happy holiday week, lads and lasses, and enjoy that tofurkey!