Planksy

Aaargh! This is yer favorite pirate turkey Planksy, me hearties, fillin’ in for DocHoc, hoping to swig the barrel clean and coming at yer this tofurkey week with me annual planks and dranks. Imagine me, especially me, and me fearless, fowly crew—300 pirate birds a sailin’—as we fly with the wind down the streets of Oklahoma City with gobblers wavin’ purty under the Jolly Roger. Aaargh! So the rules: If yer doing scurvy, you walk me planks, lads and lasses with some sharks thrown in this here deal free. If yer doing right, yer get yer dranks, straight from Planksy’s favorite barrel and yo-ho-ho happy tofurkey times to yer. Ahoy!

Planks: Dr. No or U.S. Sen. Tommy Coburn keeps sailin’ the lily-livered way by pulling stunts to get everyone’s attention. He’s a squiffy, maties. Health benefits for war veterans? Not before scalawag spoiler Tommy gets a little media coverage and shows what a real landlubber can be like. Aaargh!

Dranks: I’m givin’ dranks this year to state Rep. Al McAffrey, who ain’t scared to call landlubber on landlubbers. When some scalawag said Oklahoma should opt out of a new federal hate crimes law, Al spoke up. Aaargh! This seadog Al knows how to sail. Here’s yer cup, me hearty. Enjoy.

Planks: Shiver me timbers! Planks galore to Oklahoma’s entire Congressional delegation, made up of mostly scalawags and lily-livered landlubbers, for opposing health care reform. The state has some of the worst medical outcomes in the country, but these here fancy pants politicos treat us like scurvy dogs, nay, the sickest scurvy dogs in the nation. Aaargh!

Dranks: More dranks than they can handle to everyone at the Oklahoma Gazette, which celebrated its 30th anniversary recently with a special issue. Me hearties, the Gazette gives OKC buccaneers their due and keeps rollin’ the presses year after year. Aye, the barrel awaits for all the lads and lasses who make this happen. Congrats.

Dranks: Special dranks go to OU quarterback Sam Bradford and OSU quarterback Zac Robinson. These buccaneers have given us Oklahoma pirate turkeys sweet treasure on Saturdays with thar playin’. Dranks and doubleloons to yer boys! Yo-ho-ho.

Special dranks: To none other than meself, yer favorite pirate turkey. Enjoy that tofurkey this year. See yer soon, me hearties.

(It will take a community effort to solve the state's hunger problem, and there are ways to help. Read DocHoc's commentary this week in the Oklahoma Gazette, the state's finest alternative publication.)

Arrgh! Shiver me beak and gobbler, pass the grog and fire up yer sparklers. It’s yer favorite pirate turkey, Planksy, filling in for DocHoc this here Indy holiday. Arrrrrrgh! Imagine me and me fellow fowl as we be piratin,’ dancing,’ and rowin’ into Oklahoma City the Fourthy day. On this arrghspicious occasion, Planksy’s doling the sparklers and sharklers once again. Ahoy, if yer got the real pirate in yer belly, then it’s sparklers to ye, and yo ho ho and a barrel of rum. If yer ain’t nothin’ but a lily-livered scallywag, then it’s the plank and the sharklers for ye. I be the judge.

Sparklers: I be speaking here of Mr. Brad Henry hisself who owns a veto pen with pirate swagger. The swashbuckler said nay and ne’er to scurvy legislation that did nothing for Okies. The right-wingers howled like ol’ rascally seadogs without a clue, but I be flying the Jolly Roger when Henry veeeeetoooooed. Arrgh! That swashbuckler can veto better than I can swordfight, and I be the best aboard this vessel, me hearties. True it is. Enjoy the sparklers, Brad.

Sharklers: Arrgh! In me sailing adventures, I be looking for a place we can call Kern Island, mateys, and that’s where we’ll put Mrs. Sally Kern and her band of self-appointed dowellers, who think and speak smarmy times two. Matter fact, people like Kerny makes me feathers ruffle. Matter fact, people like Kerny are a worse threat than ye pirate turkey flu outbreak this year. Let us be, Sally. Ahoy, pirate turkeys are people, too. We be just a little on the fowl side. Yo ho ho. End the discrimination, lass. Double sharklers to ye.

Sparklers: Ahoy, I see me a bit of relief in the sweltering heat. So here’s giving me sparklers to none other than Mr. David Blatt, the policy director over at this here Oklahoma Policy Institute, which offers swashbucklin’ analysis of state issues. Whatever the Blattster makes in pay, it ain’t enough, mateys. More doubloons for this swashbuckler, who can crunch the numbers as well as yers truly can figure a treasure map.

Sharklers: Arrgh, me doctor tells me I got to pay more for me normal wear and tear. Tommy Coburny, a doctor hisself, speaks smarmy about sick people, and so instead of sparklers he gets sharklers. We got us yer scurvy-dog, keelhaul healthcare system here, but Tommy wants us pirate turkeys to pay pay pay. Ain’t ye got enough doubloons, Tommy? If Tommy ain’t a landlubber, mateys, then what, for the love of tofurkey, is? Tommy’s all gobble gobble gobble and no buccanneer.

Sparklers: His gobbler draws you in, mateys. He be Oklahoma’s only and best pirate turkey, me hearties. And when yer loaded to the gunwales this fourthy, think about the what if. What if I be giving meself sparklers to get some jolly rogers from it? I just did. Got ye. Arrgh!

(Okie Funk will resume its regular publishing schedule on Monday, Dec. 29. Happy holidays!)

Arrrrrrrgh! Yer favorite pirate turkey, Plansky, doin’ yer holiday scribbler’s dance for DocHoc, me hearties. Imagine me, handsome gobbler a-blowing in thee wind, and 300 swashbucklin’ pirate fowl, rascally gentlemen o’ fortune all, sailin’ up and down yer Turner Turnpike looking for doubloons and spreading groggy cheer to Oklahoma buccaneers this holiday season. Shiver me timbers! It’s a dandy sight to behold. So are you a scallywag or a swashbucklin’ seadog? Scallywags get the plank o’ doom. Me seadogs get as much as me pirate’s brew—straight from the ol’ rum barrel--as they can handle. (We have yer eggnog flavored rum, too!) So I have me list, and har she blows, me lads and lasses, one and all.

Swashbucklin’ seadogs: Arrrgh! Oklahoma teachers. Aye, this here group of honorary turkey pirates has me heart and a share of me treasure. Oklahoma teachers get yer low wages, fer sure, but these swashbucklers keep working hard against the squalls.

Scallywag: Yer state Rep. Sally Kern continues to stink it up. First, she rants and groans scurvey-like about gay people, then she tries to turn our schools into churches and religious war zones. Sally’s religious crusade is a scurvy operation, me mateys, a bone-chillin’ attempt to turn Oklahoma into the durnest theocracy you’ve ever seen.

Swashbucklin’ seadog: Pass the rum cup to Serena Blaiz. She works for the liberal cause in the reddest of red states and writes it all up on peace arena. Keep flying high, me seadog! Yo-ho-ho!

Scallywags: The Oklahoman editorial-page crew are scurvy swindlers spouting smarmy mush. Let’s see. They’ve taken their merry rapscallion vows against workers, professionals, teachers, government employees, the middle-class, poor people, etc, and, oh yeah, logic. They’re the scallywag parrots on the shoulders of the rich and powerful.

Swashbucklin’ seadog: Arrrghs-a-plenty! The legendary Frosty Troy continues to tell yer tale of truth and justice at the Oklahoma Observer. Shiver me timbers! Pass me grog, me hearties. Troy’s the definition of “truth-to-power,” of yer don’t give up ever.

Scallywag: Don’t look for Jim “I’m a Jesus guy” Inhofe to do a thing for Oklahoma seeing as how the scurvy scallywag is busy with his African trips and crusades against the environment. That’s how the Oklahoma GOP and the oil companies like it and get it, me fellow pirates.

Swashbucklin’s seadog: He’s a beaut of a bird, me mateys. Aye, he delivers the holiday cheer with fowly elegance and wit. He’s none other than meself, Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey. (No charge on autographs fer children 12 and under.) Enjoy your tofurkey this holiday and watch in yer neighborhood fer yer bird with a view.