Arr! It’s none another than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey, the fowl come a calling, the bird with yer word, bringin’ and slingin’ me sparklers and sharklers, mateys, this Fourth of July. I sail in from across thee pond, 300 bird or so strong, after me European tour, with a treasure chest of good stories, a gobbler styled in the latest French fashion, an extra ho ho ho and a barrel of rum, no landlubbers there to a bird, from yer Amsterdam to Paris to London to Dublin. Arr! So yer know the drill. If yer get me sparklers, then let it be known throughout the Atlantic and Oklahoma that yer get a cup or twenty of me rum from me private edition barrel, Planksy’s Reserve, aboard me vessel. If it’s sharklers for yer, then a walkee walkee on the Planksy planky, and then do some swimming, landlubbers, no experience be required, with the fishies that come with a bit of a bite, if yer get me drift.
Sparklers. Ahoy, Dr. Vic Hutchison, once again, come aboard me proud vessel and hoist rum cups with this bird as the sweet fiddlin’ plays a tune of yer liking. Aye, the good Doc Vic will give credit to others, a modest pirate professor, indeed, but he, others with Oklahomans for Excellence in Science Education and even more pirates, too, deserve a beauty of a full mast pirate parade for leadin’ the charge against the local politicians who be wantin’ the teachin’ of creationism in our schools. Doc Vic and company be doin’ this year after year after year for the sake of science, not of money. The scurvy, landlubberin’ politicos have been repelled for 15 years now. Arr! It’s a pirate’s dream be true. Sail on sea dogs, Vic and crew, sail on.
Sharklers: Aye, yer basic pirate turkey hates to kick a bird (hee hee) when she’s down but sharklers it’s got to be for Janet Barresi, the state’s Schools Superintendent, who managed to make just about everyone think she’s a rascally bilge rat out for her own good and none other. It’s all for the kiddies, she keeps saying, the kiddies that and the kiddies this, but her system sets lads and lasses up for drownin’ in unreliable tests and forced into thinkin’ they be failures. Arr! Methinks the voters figured it all out when she lost her election in the 2014 electoral siege called The Battle of The Barresi, but let’s add a nice long plank aboard the Planksy’s Wrecked Again for a special topping to this glorious victory. Splashy splashy. Here come the toothie fishes. Hubris always makes them rascals a tad hungry.
Sparklers. Arrrrr! That be yer five “r” arr. Aye, and I, fer one and all pirate turkeys and related species across the state, appreciate the campaign for U.S. Senate by state Sen. Constance Johnson, who tells it true as it can be in Oklahoma, no compromise, no wishy washy, on the basic principals, like reducin’ jail time for non-violent offenders and legalizin’ and regulatin’ cannabis. Can she win? Another pirate’s dreamy wish if my gobbler ever did see one, but she and pirate turkeys and their supporters have no reason for doldrums. Have some pirate fun and be makin’ a point. The barrel aboard ship, now docked at the Bricktown Canal, awaits yer arrival, the esteemed Senator Johnson. I bow to your courageousness and style, with my gobbler in a flutter.
Sharklers. Sharklers galore go to the scurvy millionaire and billionaire big-shot executives from the Devon, Continental Resources and Chesapeake energy companies here in Oklahoma City. Arr! Methinks I smell some rascally stench from down below deck. What these bilge rats wanted and got were tax breaks for their companies because many a big-shot executive knows paying taxes be a fool’s game and plundering be a sure thing to get yer doubloons in Oklahoma where the conservatives are the captains of the political ship. Arr! But we create so many jobs, they cry in their grogs, but they be all quiet like about how they line their OWN pockets with doubloons. The science types also say the oily and gassy related companies are responsible for all these new earthquakes, but state leaders won’t do nuthin’ about it. The plank awaits yer arrival, me executives. The fiddler has a special tune for yer as well as you be makin’ the leap. Before the splash, can yer hand over some treasure for those school kiddies Janet wants to flunk so bad?
Sparklers.The famous annual sharkler and sparkler award ceremony would not be complete without me mentioning the fowl who be just returnin’ from France, the bird with the beautiful gobbler that just recently swayed seductively in the Dublin breeze aboard me vessel as I crossed the sea. That would be meself, the world’s best connoisseur of tofurkey and barrels of rum. Enjoy your Fourth of July holiday and be careful at yer local turkey crossin’.
Arrrrr! That’s yer five r arr, me mateys, meaning it’s none other that yer favorite pirate turkey, meself Planksy, comin’ t’ Oklahoma, spreadin’ me special thanks and planks this holiday season. Ahoy, buccaneers, imagine me ship, fowl-filled, and sail-trimmed, the Jolly Roger flying high, as it sails the Sooner state, a little quaky these days me might add, but nothin’ me and me crew can’t handle so farrr.
Aye, don’t be land lubbers and listen up: This bird arrrrrives to dole me thanks and planks. If yer done good, then yer get yer thanks, a cup or eighteen from Planksy’s special rum barrel and hornpipe dancin’ aboard ship until the wee hours of the wee mornin’ this Thanksgiving. If yer done bad, and if yer a scallywag, bilge rat or lubber, well, my, my, my, yer get yer PLANKS, and a little dip with the toothy fishes swimming circles once yer do yer walkin’. Shiver me gobbler, it’s show time. Arr!
Thanks. Ahoy, lads and lasses, me first thanks go out to all yer teachers in the state, a crew of hardy buccaneers, teaching the wee ones spellin’ (me speshality) and readin’ and rithmetickin’, and all while the politicos stick their noses in yer business. Teachers here arrr underpaid and overworked, indeed, but they don’t do it for the treasure, me lads and lasses. It’s a callin’. Arrr. I tip me beak t’ yer, and I ruffle me feathers t’ yer. Come onboard for yer merry times. I’ll scoop yer rum myself.
Planks. Arr! Alas, me mateys, my first planks go to schools Superintendent Janet Barresi. She’s got her A through F scheme to rank schools, but it stinks like a dead bilge rat. It’s all about the FFFFFFFF! Is she or is she not a land lubber? Can a pirate turkey squawk? Squawk! Squawk! Arr! Arr! Barresi wants to fail schools using a system made of smelly ship barnacles, and she’s doing it with ramming speed and no one can do nothin’ about it because Janet and her crew arrr goin’ to have their way. Her point is to spread yer misery in the name of the conservative agenda, but there’s a little election lurkin’, me mateys, just a little tiny wee one.
Thanks. Ahoy, thanks galore to all me state workers, goin’ without raises all these years, doin’ their best in these tryin’ times. I unfurl me Jolly Roger in yer honor. Yer arr the glue that holds that state ship together if I do say so meself and I do. Arrr! Watch out what those politicos want to do with yer pensions. Come on board. Let’s get loaded to the gunwales. Dance a pirate’s jig with yer favorite bird. It will be like Fiddler’s Green.
Planks. Earthquakes?!!! What kind of scurvy shakin’ is going on, mateys? What’s next? The plague? In this bird’s mind, all yer tremblors, big and small, get me planks, or worse, the keelhaul. Earthquakes are NOT for the birds. How’s me ship to sail smoothly when everything is shakin’ and quakin’. Methinks those frackers got something to do with it, lads and lasses, and then add in yer climate change for yer good measure, and feathers go flying and gobblers go a shivering and there’s no place to come about in this place.
Thanks. He’s the bird with the word, with a gobbler adored and acclaimed by all. He’s the feathery swashbuckler with the handsome beak, a famous fowl with the hospitality aboard ship. Me final thanks go to meself, Planksy, for rising above the flock. Here’s wishin’ yer lads and lasses a happy Planksgiving. Enjoy that tofurkey. Arrrrr!
Arrrrrrr! Shiver me gobbler. Happy Fourth of July. It’s none other than yer favorite pirate turkey of lore and yore, Planksy, the indomitable, gobbler-swaying bird of wiles, wit and beauty. Aye, I be shipwrecked here on the shore of the Oklahoma River after a nasty Poseidon trick or two, lads and lasses, but me bearings have been located, a new pirate vessel is under construction, and I’m ready and willing to dole out this year’s sparklers and sharklers. Arrr! Those who get the sparklers, well, join me in some rum drinking and hornpipe dancing on shore this year. (Bricktown. Take I-40 and try to find an exit down here. I think the scurvy rascals put it in Yukon.) Those who get the sharklers, well, aye, it’s time to take a little swim with me hungry fishies.
Sharklers: Aye, me first sharklers of the year go to Gov. Mary Fallin, a land lubber, pirate wannabe, a lily-livered leader with scurvy policies and positions. So she denies poor people here health insurance, it’s true, she won’t require storm shelters in schools to protect the young lads and lasses, aye it’s true, and she doesn’t believe in equality for our LGBT friends. Avast, me fellow pirates, she wants the state’s treasure delivered to the richest rascals aboard a ship of fools. They say she’s literally got no heart, but them fishies don’t care. Take a swim, Mary, take a swim. Arrr!
Sparklers: Me very first sparklers go to Oklahomans For Excellence In Science Education for all the fine work opposing religious intrusion. Some polys and land lubbers want to attack evolution and other scientific theories in schools as if Planksy himself isn’t a Darwinian testament to evolved creatures everywhere, but, nay, OESE calls out the scurvy bilge rats for what they are and what they want. Arrr! OESE, here’s to you, cups of rum for all, the Jolly Roger flies high in yer honor, let the hornpipes play and the dancin’ begin. Shiver me gobbler, me fellow pirates, victory feels good. Aye, just be ready next year when the land lubbers play their swarmy hand again.
Sharklers: Arrr! Aye, next up for some toothie fishes is none other than Attorney General Scott Pruitt, who’s been in a tizzy wizzy suing the federal government and wasting yer taxpayer money on scurvy ideology. Aye, Pruitt must dream about Obamacare each night he’s so fixated. His barnacle-encrusted political views dictate his slimy, inglorious legal shenanigans. His legal fight against the federal Affordable Care Act is an obsessive act of land lubbery and swarmy fallaciousness and a curse to all true pirates. For ye, Mr. Pruitt, a swim with the toothsome circulars, if ye get me drift. Be quick about it, sir.
Sparklers: Aye, he’s known in all the lands and seas of the earth, and his gobbler makes him a heartthrob to fowl and human alike. He’s keen on logic, and he’s a seasoned seabird on a journey for treasure, riches and the common good. He’ll even give his rewards, good or bad, when he’s shipwrecked and temporarily at port. Aye, sparklers to meself, Planksy, who wishes you and yours a happy and safe Fourth of July. Arrr!