Yes, Virginia, There Is A Pirate Turkey

Image of animals gather around Planksy by Jasmime Mulliken

Image by Jasmine Mulliken

Arrrrrrr. Yer seven R arrr, me lassies and lads, fer yer enjoyment this holiday season presenting Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey, reportin’ for duty, mam. Ahoy, the ship of fowls, 149-bird strong, sailin’ into Oklahoma on a mission per se no quid pro quo. Arrr. No bilge rats on me vessel, only sweet golden gobblers swayin’ in arrr prairie breezes. Yer know yer drill. If yer done right, you get me dranks straight from me personal rum barrel, holiday edition, drink yer fill, matey, please. Yer done wrong, yer nothin’ but a low-tide poisonous crawly rascal and yer get me planks replete with swimming lessons next to toothy fishes.

Dranks. Me first dranks go to the protestors locked out at the Lake Hefner fracking meeting this month. Ahoy, come aboard for me humble spirits, hornpipe dancing and birdy fellowship, me friends, a long time a fighting. Aye, yer stood in the cold and rain while bigwigs and uppity ups on their pedestals revealed the fracking plans. Aye, yer voices were heard inside and out. Don’t let the scallywags and landlubbers get yer down. Keep hammerin’.

Planks. Arrr! So me first planks go to the frackers, the landlubbers and bilge rats who want to frack up Lake Hefner in the first place. All for some fleetin’ treasure. Yer trove can’t buy arrr love. Avast, lookee here, fracky land urchins, that lake is a city water supply. Read my beak, frackers: What if the lake gets contaminated? Aye, we can’t swim in it, but hoity-toity we can frack under it? What kind of rascally bit of smarmy nonsense is this, mateys? Landlubbery collusion?

Dranks. Me next dranks go to anyone—glorious bird related no doubt—who has ever side-eyed and beaked down a landlubberin’ bilge rat scallywag rascal, or in non-pirate turkey parlance otherwise known as a BULLY. Arrr, get on this ship NOW, and get yer legs moving as the hornpipes blast us a merry tune. Yer stood up, me heroes, yer stood up, aye. You deserve a pirate turkey’s praise, hereby granted and certified and proclaimed on this day in herstory year 2014. Signed, Planksy.

Planks. Aye, yer see where all this is headin’? Avast, me planks go, then, to none other but bullies everywhere in Oklahoma. Yer whims and rascally actions deserve a pirate turkey’s repukin’. Yer hateful, angry ways mean this: Arrr, it’s the plank for yer! Keep walkin’, smartly, smartly. The toothy fishes want dessert and why deny ‘em yer tasty narcissism and cruelty. Hmm. Hmm. Good. Aye, did me beak go overboard, did it? Ha. It weren’t me went overboard. No, it were NOT me, …..ha…..ha…..ha.

Dranks. Me last dranks, as usual, go to none other than meself, Planksy, a pirate turkey with the latest gobbler style. Arrr, he’s poised, exciting, a feathery delight in the seas of arrr world. Ahoy, mates, methinks my gobbler’s blushin’ at me own compliments if I do gobble so myself. I raise me rum cup to meself and yer and yers. Cheers, me beauties. May yer find a treasure chest of love this holiday season, and enjoy that tofurkey with the vegetarian gravy. Arrr.

Happy Planksgiving! The BIRD Returns With Thanks, Planks

Image of Planksy, the pirate turkey

Arrrrrrr! A seven-letter “r” from none other than yer Planksy, Oklahoma’s ONLY pirate turkey, with a gobbler rich in herstory and panache if I don’t say so meself. I got me hornpipes ready to play and me barrels of rum on deck of me ship, sailing up from the Gulf Coast in me beauty, 300 birds at the feathery ready, piercing beaks of different hues and shapes galore, no bilge rats aboard this glorious vessel, me lads and lasses. So yer lubbers know the tune. Yer heard it before. Arr! If yer done yer duty by Planksy’s pirate turkey code, outlined in Section 7, Title 3, paragraphs 8 through 21, yer get yerself some special THANKS and a partay aboard a vessel some call the finest on the sea ever sailed by birds with gorgeous gobblers and great minds and elegant demeanors in the latest continental style. Yer done yerself sorry, well, that’s a bleak tune no bird wants to hear, so it’s PLANKS for you smarmy rascals and a swim with the toothy fishes. Me hears they’s hungry this time of year what with the rising sea levels and temperatures and meltin’ arctic ice cap.

THANKS Ahoy, I spotted me first thanks that go to none other than any Democratic pirate turkey who ran for a statewide or federal office this year. Yer knew yer were going down to the fathomy depths of a cold, cold sea, but yer fought to the end, aye. There was Johnson, McAffrey, Dorman, Silverstein, to name a few. What’s an election without candidates? What’s a political party without candidates? Aye, welcome aboard. Yer done yerself well. I got me a special barrel ready to make yer acquaintance. My gobbler stands ready for yer eyeball gazes. From me beak will be emitted great sounds of recognizable beauty and thanks to yer one and all.

PLANKS Arrr! Aye, me first planks of the season go to the rapscallion frackers turning this place into a shaky, polluted smarmy mush of yer get me drift, mister oil barons. See that little ol’ place there? Frack it! See that pretty green grass over there. Oh, yes, I do. Frack it! Frackity frackin’ frack. We’re swimming in the oil and gas, but frackers got to frack, aye. Me vessel shakes to the nines because of the quakes it causes. What about the groundwater, lads and lasses? A bird’s got to drink more than rum and grog, right? (Debatable, me bird lovers, but yer get me drift.) Planks to yer, frackers. Yer can try to buy off the toothy fishes with yer fracking cashola, but me hears they only accept certain kinds of pegments.

THANKS Aye, it’s time for more thanks, which go to all the state’s teachers. Low pay, long hours, huge class sizes, high-stakes testing and a bunch of rascally swarmy “reformers” blaming yer for this and that and bilge rats, too! How do you stand it? Arrr! Yer heroes. Don’t let the lubbers get yer gobblers down. Teachers of Oklahoma, I hereby decree by the authority invested in me by meself and me pirate turkey code, come aboard this vessel now and take yer due! Dance to the pipes! Step it up! Make lively!

PLANKS Where to begin with this smarmy bit of rancid bird seed I now regurgitate as is my pirate turkey natural way? Me planks go the worst newspaper editorial page in the known universe, appearing in none other than The Oklahoman. It’s a one-sided carnivorous bloated self-important sophomoric sheet of tomfoolery and blustery conservative propaganda not fit to print. Aye, me hears it’s true that birds actually get PAID to write for it. Arrr, lads and lasses, the young ones don’t even read it so there’s hope, but, ahoy, me mateys, what these rascals publish are still illogical stinkers, and they even don’t allow other birds to weigh in with different views. So it’s the planks for the entire editorial board staff. Aye, they already got their blindfolds on so at least we don’t have to worry about that.

THANKS He’s daring and brave. His fashion sense, what with the spectacular gobbler swaying in the breeze, the colorful feathers that match the autumn trees and custom made pirate eye patch, set him apart from the lubbers in ways human and turkey words can’t really express. Arrr! Aye, he says it when no one else will. He’s a commander of the sea of life, which rolls on. So me final thanks go to none other than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey. Have yerself a happy holiday week, lads and lasses, and enjoy that tofurkey!

Sparklers and Sharklers: Planksy Arrives From Europe Just In Time

Image of Fourth of July Planksy

Arr! It’s none another than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey, the fowl come a calling, the bird with yer word, bringin’ and slingin’ me sparklers and sharklers, mateys, this Fourth of July. I sail in from across thee pond, 300 bird or so strong, after me European tour, with a treasure chest of good stories, a gobbler styled in the latest French fashion, an extra ho ho ho and a barrel of rum, no landlubbers there to a bird, from yer Amsterdam to Paris to London to Dublin. Arr! So yer know the drill. If yer get me sparklers, then let it be known throughout the Atlantic and Oklahoma that yer get a cup or twenty of me rum from me private edition barrel, Planksy’s Reserve, aboard me vessel. If it’s sharklers for yer, then a walkee walkee on the Planksy planky, and then do some swimming, landlubbers, no experience be required, with the fishies that come with a bit of a bite, if yer get me drift.

Sparklers. Ahoy, Dr. Vic Hutchison, once again, come aboard me proud vessel and hoist rum cups with this bird as the sweet fiddlin’ plays a tune of yer liking. Aye, the good Doc Vic will give credit to others, a modest pirate professor, indeed, but he, others with Oklahomans for Excellence in Science Education and even more pirates, too, deserve a beauty of a full mast pirate parade for leadin’ the charge against the local politicians who be wantin’ the teachin’ of creationism in our schools. Doc Vic and company be doin’ this year after year after year for the sake of science, not of money. The scurvy, landlubberin’ politicos have been repelled for 15 years now. Arr! It’s a pirate’s dream be true. Sail on sea dogs, Vic and crew, sail on.

Sharklers: Aye, yer basic pirate turkey hates to kick a bird (hee hee) when she’s down but sharklers it’s got to be for Janet Barresi, the state’s Schools Superintendent, who managed to make just about everyone think she’s a rascally bilge rat out for her own good and none other. It’s all for the kiddies, she keeps saying, the kiddies that and the kiddies this, but her system sets lads and lasses up for drownin’ in unreliable tests and forced into thinkin’ they be failures. Arr! Methinks the voters figured it all out when she lost her election in the 2014 electoral siege called The Battle of The Barresi, but let’s add a nice long plank aboard the Planksy’s Wrecked Again for a special topping to this glorious victory. Splashy splashy. Here come the toothie fishes. Hubris always makes them rascals a tad hungry.

Sparklers. Arrrrr! That be yer five “r” arr. Aye, and I, fer one and all pirate turkeys and related species across the state, appreciate the campaign for U.S. Senate by state Sen. Constance Johnson, who tells it true as it can be in Oklahoma, no compromise, no wishy washy, on the basic principals, like reducin’ jail time for non-violent offenders and legalizin’ and regulatin’ cannabis. Can she win? Another pirate’s dreamy wish if my gobbler ever did see one, but she and pirate turkeys and their supporters have no reason for doldrums. Have some pirate fun and be makin’ a point. The barrel aboard ship, now docked at the Bricktown Canal, awaits yer arrival, the esteemed Senator Johnson. I bow to your courageousness and style, with my gobbler in a flutter.

Sharklers. Sharklers galore go to the scurvy millionaire and billionaire big-shot executives from the Devon, Continental Resources and Chesapeake energy companies here in Oklahoma City. Arr! Methinks I smell some rascally stench from down below deck. What these bilge rats wanted and got were tax breaks for their companies because many a big-shot executive knows paying taxes be a fool’s game and plundering be a sure thing to get yer doubloons in Oklahoma where the conservatives are the captains of the political ship. Arr! But we create so many jobs, they cry in their grogs, but they be all quiet like about how they line their OWN pockets with doubloons. The science types also say the oily and gassy related companies are responsible for all these new earthquakes, but state leaders won’t do nuthin’ about it. The plank awaits yer arrival, me executives. The fiddler has a special tune for yer as well as you be makin’ the leap. Before the splash, can yer hand over some treasure for those school kiddies Janet wants to flunk so bad?

Sparklers.The famous annual sharkler and sparkler award ceremony would not be complete without me mentioning the fowl who be just returnin’ from France, the bird with the beautiful gobbler that just recently swayed seductively in the Dublin breeze aboard me vessel as I crossed the sea. That would be meself, the world’s best connoisseur of tofurkey and barrels of rum. Enjoy your Fourth of July holiday and be careful at yer local turkey crossin’.

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