Arrrrr! Count ‘em, mates, that’s yer five “r” arr, and this is none other than Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey sailin’ in on water galore in this lake, err, state called Oklahoma. Me rum barrel is ready rain or shine this beauty of a Fourth of July, lads and lasses. Me grog cup awaits a fillin’. Fiddles? Hornpipes? Check. Matey. Arrr. Yer know what happens next. No, no, matey, not an earthquake or a flash flood. Aye, it's time to give out this year’s sparklers and sharklers. If yer done good, yer get yer flashy sparklers aboard ship with a sip or seventeen out of me special Planksy Reserve rum barrel. If yer done bad, then yer a landlubbery bilge rat, awarded the sharklers right after yer take a short walk off me ship’s plank.
Sparklers: Me first sparklers go to the five honorary pirate turkeys on the U.S. Supreme Court for yer beaut of a decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Ahoy, Mr. Kennedy, methinks yer swung smartly I do. This bird supports equality for all as do me feathery mates aboard me ship, barnacle free and ready steady. Aye, it’s been a long sail but we’re full speed ahead now, lads and lasses.
Sharklers: Arrr. Me first sharklers go to Gov. Mary Fallin for dancing a jig for a landlubbery bill supposedly protecting religious liberty. This law says yer state ministers don’t HAVE to marry same-sex couples, but that’s already the case. Aye, think about it. No one has to marry anyone they don’t want to. Avast, she says it’s about religious liberty, but it’s really a pouty law, mates. Boo hoo.
Sparklers: Me second set of sparklers this holiday goes to THE RULE OF LAW, ahoy, together with seven members of the Oklahoma Supreme Court, rascally rapscallions unsheathed. Arrr! The Okie constitution is clear, me mates, Article 2, Section 5. Read it with a bird’s eye view like meself. Aye, the Ten Commandments monument at the Capitol, well, thou shalt be removed.
Sharklers: Arrr. Sharklers to Attorney General Scott Pruitt for his swarmy ruckus over the monument decision. The landlubber gets it wrong, not the seven Okie Supremes. Aye, the rule of law, Mister Pruitt, the rule of law, not religious ideology. Sharklers for yer this holiday. Yer couldn’t sail a toy boat in a bathtub full of Epsom salt.
Sparklers: Arrr. He arrives each holiday with his special gifts as his sweet gobbler sways in the prairie breeze. He sails in with his feathery mates bringin’ joy a barrel of rum, fiddles, hornpipes and jigs. Sparklers to none other than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey. Hey, gotta catch this flash flood outa here. See you soon, mates. Arrr.
Arrrrrrr. Yer seven R arrr, me lassies and lads, fer yer enjoyment this holiday season presenting Planksy, yer favorite pirate turkey, reportin’ for duty, mam. Ahoy, the ship of fowls, 149-bird strong, sailin’ into Oklahoma on a mission per se no quid pro quo. Arrr. No bilge rats on me vessel, only sweet golden gobblers swayin’ in arrr prairie breezes. Yer know yer drill. If yer done right, you get me dranks straight from me personal rum barrel, holiday edition, drink yer fill, matey, please. Yer done wrong, yer nothin’ but a low-tide poisonous crawly rascal and yer get me planks replete with swimming lessons next to toothy fishes.
Dranks. Me first dranks go to the protestors locked out at the Lake Hefner fracking meeting this month. Ahoy, come aboard for me humble spirits, hornpipe dancing and birdy fellowship, me friends, a long time a fighting. Aye, yer stood in the cold and rain while bigwigs and uppity ups on their pedestal
s revealed the fracking plans. Aye, yer voices were heard inside and out. Don’t let the scallywags and landlubbers get yer down. Keep hammerin’.
Planks. Arrr! So me first planks go to the frackers, the landlubbers and bilge rats who want to frack up Lake Hefner in the first place. All for some fleetin’ treasure. Yer trove can’t buy arrr love. Avast, lookee here, fracky land urchins, that lake is a city water supply. Read my beak, frackers: What if the lake gets contaminated? Aye, we can’t swim in it, but hoity-toity we can frack under it? What kind of rascally bit of smarmy nonsense is this, mateys? Landlubbery collusion?
Dranks. Me next dranks go to anyone—glorious bird related no doubt—who has ever side-eyed and beaked down a landlubberin’ bilge rat scallywag rascal, or in non-pirate turkey parlance otherwise known as a BULLY. Arrr, get on this ship NOW, and get yer legs moving as the hornpipes blast us a merry tune. Yer stood up, me heroes, yer stood up, aye. You deserve a pirate turkey’s praise, hereby granted and certified and proclaimed on this day in herstory year 2014. Signed, Planksy.
Planks. Aye, yer see where all this is headin’? Avast, me planks go, then, to none other but bullies everywhere in Oklahoma. Yer whims and rascally actions deserve a pirate turkey’s repukin’. Yer hateful, angry ways mean this: Arrr, it’s the plank for yer! Keep walkin’, smartly, smartly. The toothy fishes want dessert and why deny ‘em yer tasty narcissism and cruelty. Hmm. Hmm. Good. Aye, did me beak go overboard, did it? Ha. It weren’t me went overboard. No, it were NOT me, …..ha…..ha…..ha.
Dranks. Me last dranks, as usual, go to none other than meself, Planksy, a pirate turkey with the latest gobbler style. Arrr, he’s poised, exciting, a feathery delight in the seas of arrr world. Ahoy, mates, methinks my gobbler’s blushin’ at me own compliments if I do gobble so myself. I raise me rum cup to meself and yer and yers. Cheers, me beauties. May yer find a treasure chest of love this holiday season, and enjoy that tofurkey with the vegetarian gravy. Arrr.
Arrrrrrr! A seven-letter “r” from none other than yer Planksy, Oklahoma’s ONLY pirate turkey, with a gobbler rich in herstory and panache if I don’t say so meself. I got me hornpipes ready to play and me barrels of rum on deck of me ship, sailing up from the Gulf Coast in me beauty, 300 birds at the feathery ready, piercing beaks of different hues and shapes galore, no bilge rats aboard this glorious vessel, me lads and lasses. So yer lubbers know the tune. Yer heard it before. Arr! If yer done yer duty by Planksy’s pirate turkey code, outlined in Section 7, Title 3, paragraphs 8 through 21, yer get yerself some special THANKS and a partay aboard a vessel some call the finest on the sea ever sailed by birds with gorgeous gobblers and great minds and elegant demeanors in the latest continental style. Yer done yerself sorry, well, that’s a bleak tune no bird wants to hear, so it’s PLANKS for you smarmy rascals and a swim with the toothy fishes. Me hears they’s hungry this time of year what with the rising sea levels and temperatures and meltin’ arctic ice cap.
THANKS Ahoy, I spotted me first thanks that go to none other than any Democratic pirate turkey who ran for a statewide or federal office this year. Yer knew yer were going down to the fathomy depths of a cold, cold sea, but yer fought to the end, aye. There was Johnson, McAffrey, Dorman, Silverstein, to name a few. What’s an election without candidates? What’s a political party without candidates? Aye, welcome aboard. Yer done yerself well. I got me a special barrel ready to make yer acquaintance. My gobbler stands ready for yer eyeball gazes. From me beak will be emitted great sounds of recognizable beauty and thanks to yer one and all.
PLANKS Arrr! Aye, me first planks of the season go to the rapscallion frackers turning this place into a shaky, polluted smarmy mush of yer get me drift, mister oil barons. See that little ol’ place there? Frack it! See that pretty green grass over there. Oh, yes, I do. Frack it! Frackity frackin’ frack. We’re swimming in the oil and gas, but frackers got to frack, aye. Me vessel shakes to the nines because of the quakes it causes. What about the groundwater, lads and lasses? A bird’s got to drink more than rum and grog, right? (Debatable, me bird lovers, but yer get me drift.) Planks to yer, frackers. Yer can try to buy off the toothy fishes with yer fracking cashola, but me hears they only accept certain kinds of pegments.
THANKS Aye, it’s time for more thanks, which go to all the state’s teachers. Low pay, long hours, huge class sizes, high-stakes testing and a bunch of rascally swarmy “reformers” blaming yer for this and that and bilge rats, too! How do you stand it? Arrr! Yer heroes. Don’t let the lubbers get yer gobblers down. Teachers of Oklahoma, I hereby decree by the authority invested in me by meself and me pirate turkey code, come aboard this vessel now and take yer due! Dance to the pipes! Step it up! Make lively!
PLANKS Where to begin with this smarmy bit of rancid bird seed I now regurgitate as is my pirate turkey natural way? Me planks go the worst newspaper editorial page in the known universe, appearing in none other than The Oklahoman. It’s a one-sided carnivorous bloated self-important sophomoric sheet of tomfoolery and blustery conservative propaganda not fit to print. Aye, me hears it’s true that birds actually get PAID to write for it. Arrr, lads and lasses, the young ones don’t even read it so there’s hope, but, ahoy, me mateys, what these rascals publish are still illogical stinkers, and they even don’t allow other birds to weigh in with different views. So it’s the planks for the entire editorial board staff. Aye, they already got their blindfolds on so at least we don’t have to worry about that.
THANKS He’s daring and brave. His fashion sense, what with the spectacular gobbler swaying in the breeze, the colorful feathers that match the autumn trees and custom made pirate eye patch, set him apart from the lubbers in ways human and turkey words can’t really express. Arrr! Aye, he says it when no one else will. He’s a commander of the sea of life, which rolls on. So me final thanks go to none other than meself, Planksy, the pirate turkey. Have yerself a happy holiday week, lads and lasses, and enjoy that tofurkey!