Yo, Ho, Ho And A Barrel Of Merry Planksmas

Image of Planksy, a pirate turkey

Arrgh! Well, shiver me gobbler, and pass me barrel of rum around the ship, lasses and lads. This is Planksy, the pirate turkey ye know and love, pictured to the right, filling in for DocHoc this randy dandy Christmas. Imagine me and a hundred brave pirate turkey brothers sailing into town on the mighty Bricktown canal during the high seas of lunch hour, and all to bring ye me holiday planks and dranks, yes indeed. Do you walk the planks off me fear mongering fowl ship or do you get your favorite holiday dranks, complete with pirate portion dollops of me rum, straight from me barrel, mateys, straight from me seasoned barrel of died and gone to heaven?

Planks: The lesbianphobe himself, U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn, for making Okies seem like fools for voting such a sniveling, lowdown rascal into office. Dr. No holds ye sick people hostage, makes ye children targets for Internet scoundrels and leaves ye oceans unmapped. This here demigod, methinks, wouldn’t do a favor in Hades hellfire for Oklahoma, me mateys. Dr. No is his own freak show, fellow pirates, a stunt, all press release, all gobble gobble gobble if ye catch me drift.

Dranks: Me fellow pirates and landlubbers in Oklahoma for shivering ye gobblers through the recent ice storm. Aye aye, it was a whopper, knocking ye lights off, making ye trees creak and groan and breakity break, and all of it because ye winters are getting warmer not colder. (Yes, ye winters are getting warmer, not colder, so save ye sidewalk salt and put some rum aside for them electrical blackouts.) But like ye pirates of yore, ye endured so ye could tell ye story to ye grandchildren, the story of back in this year, back in that, and aye aye, ye get me rum and also Planky’s prestigious Medal of Pirate badge, a signed picture of meself with pirate Wayne Coyne, and, arrgh, me recent CD, “The Greatest Hits of Planksy and His Arrghanauts.”

Image of campaign drive

Planks: The Republican U.S. Senator representing Exxon, not ye Oklahoma, none other than the rapscallion Mr. Jim Inhofe for asking ye and yers truly and every other ship’s rat from Hades and back to pay to power the pole to light the ball, this ain’t no blarmy, mateys, and it ain’t worth a galleon to a pinch of gold dust to make his smarmy pole rise. Aye, some say there’s a dab or two of the widestance Republican in him, a tad of the been-on-the-ship-too-long, if you catch me drift. So stay away from them lesbian-infested school potties, courtesy of Dr. No, in southeastern Oklahoma, Jimmy me lad, and just peddle yer schtick and try to raise yer pole in the country’s finest airports (and elsewhere) like every other rapscallion Republican politician in the known worlds these days.

Dranks: The progressive blogging and writing community in Oklahoma for keeping on keeping on despite all the snarly attacks from those local right-wing scoundrels, many of them anonymous scaredy cats without a lick of pirate sense or style. So here are some Planksy Picks: The Mahatma X Files, Mainstream Baptist, Peace Arena, Practical Progressive, Life and Deatherage, Oklahoma Independent Media Center, Blue Oklahoma, PhotoTune, and kittenstomper. Thanks to Robin Meyers and The Oklahoma Observer, too. Don’t fergit me fellow pirates over at the Democrats of Oklahoma Forum. Aye, and don’t fergit the dandy pirates at Oklahomans for Excellence in Science Education. Did I miss yer? It must be me rum. Let Planksy know, lasses and lad, let the pirate turkey in on yer deal.

Planks: Aye, those durnburn religious extremists and their enablers in the corporate media for trying to turn Oklahoma into a landlubbing theocracy. Arrgh, can ye imagine schools that don’t teach science and religious prayers each morning at yer job if ye want to get yer galleons for a measly mug of rum? The war on Christmas, me pirate’s arse, me fellow pirates. Pirate turkeys worship how they wants, if they wants, and they don't want no government saying how everyone's got to be a Sally Kerny Christian or else get off the ship. I say we go full sail and stop these dastardly churchyburchy robots. Planksy leads the pirate charge. Thousands of sea dogs, sailing the winds, on the fly, supporting the ye ol’ separation of church and state, nay, the glorious U.S. Constitution. Aye, a sight to behold, indeed, folks, a beaut and hoot of a pirate deal.

Dranks: People of all persuasions, political and otherwise, for reading Okie Funk this past year. Season's greetings and a tofurkey in every pot. Arrgh!