Planksgiving

Arrgh. Shiver me gobbler, lasses and lads. This is Planksy, a pirate turkey, filling in as guest blogger for DocHoc. (That's me mug to the right.) Imagine yers truly and a crew of me turkey brethren, pirates to the bird, sailing through high seas on the Canadian River to bring ye the news ye need to know. So do ye get yer thanks or do ye walk the planks on me dastardly, fowl driven vessel? So swab the foredeck, mateys, and read on.

Planks: The great pretender himself, land lubber U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe for his gnarly snarls on rational, scientific thought. It makes the turkey blood boil, folks. Global warming a hoax the ole plucker says, and when he spouts his bluff like a beached whale he makes us Okies—even of the ye ole pirate turkey variety—fools I tell ye in the eyes of the world.

Thanks: Mr. Wayne Coyne, pirate extraordinaire, pirate cool, pirate of pirates, and all the other funkadelics in the Flaming Lips for making hoot and holler right here in the streets of Oklahoma City. Ye makes a pirate turkey laugh and sing and dance, me lads. Aye. Ye pipes “arrgh” always welcome aboard me ship. No charge for me pirate turkey autograph (“Good luck, Wayne, With regards, Planksy”) either, sirs, no charge at all, my pleasure.

Planks: The Daily Oklahoman for all the lying scurvy and rotting fish heads of stinking, slimy, son of land lubbers smears on its snarlacious opine page. Ye can smell the rotten fish stench all the way up the Turner to Tulsa. In a word: smarmy. In two words: smarmy smarmy. In three words, smarmy . . . ye get me drift, lasses and lads?

Thanks: The progressive, pithy, pugnacious, powerful pugilistic pirates over at the Democrats of Oklahoma Community Forum for all ye fire and brimstone. Aye. Keep it boiling, me friends, keep it boiling real hot. We need yer hearty progressive stew in 2008.

Planks: State Rep. Randy Terrill for tooting his own tootles and zootles and kalootles galore as he dances and plays his Rove pipes on the backs of poor people. The problem isn’t illegals in Oklahoma, man, the problem is ye and yer right-wing snakes in the grass are always in a snarly, smuggy snit. Ahoy, say it, ye ole GOP is the party of snarl, smug and snit, me lasses and lads. Planksy guarantees a tofurkey in every pot if Terrill shuts his piehole for just one ye ole second on this smarmy immigration deal.

Thanks: Democrat Brad Henry for becoming the most popular ship captain in the history of the state, nay, in the history of the known world methinks. A thousand, nay two million, pirate gobbler hugs for ye, sailor, from Planksy and his crew. Keep yer governor’s ship tacking true in these new leeward winds. Tighten the mainsails and fly, sea dog, fly.

Planks: The Republicans in the Oklahoma Congressional delegation (U.S. Reps. Mary Fallin, John Sullivan, Tom Cole, Frank Lucas and U.S. Sens. Jim Inhofe and Tom Coburn ) for stealing medicine from the mouth of innocent babes to give more money to the sniveling, rapscallion, son of turnips, son of sniffing stoats, land lubber George Bush so he can plunder and pillage to his ye ole heart’s desire.

Thanks: Pirate turkeys the world over for their good looks, charm and wit. Aye aye. These ”arrrgh” not yer albatrosses, folks, if you catch me drift. Methinks these are the birds ye need to know when ye need to know, ye know? Aye aye.